A Father's Angst

Nothing pains a Father more, than seeing his child suffering the angst and sorrows of mistakes made in the past.

My daughter did not handle her high school career well, nor her first year of college.  Much of that is a direct result of the divorce of her mother and father (of which I accept the lion's share of blame).

She just received word that the school she was hoping to transfer into from community college, has denied her.  She had quit her job, ceased taking classes after the June/Summer semester, and was diligently searching for a place to live in Richmond, on the basis of what she was led to believe was a sufficient transcript post freshman-year.

That the school waited until today, just 13 days from the beginning of classes, to inform her is irritating, to say the least.

What is more disturbing, is the pain and sorrow her realization of her transgressions done 2, 3, 4 years ago are still impacting her today; a bitter "Life" lesson we all must learn. 

The Past is Past, as many would say, such as the counselor to Jesse in "Breaking Bad", "...you have to accept what you did and forgive yourself."  Jesse was incredulous that this man was able to say that, seeing as the counselor's "mistake" in his past was the accidental killing of his own child.  An extreme example, but my Daughter is still young, and to the young, everything is of major import.

And, how many times does one have to forgive themselves for the same past mistake?  And how does one reconcile themselves to the "follies of youth" when they keep coming back to haunt them?

No matter how one reconciles themselves to what they've done, immediately after having done it, it takes a great deal of strength to bear the burden of having to suffer the consequences time and time again, no matter how hard one works to correct the mistakes, and to move forward.

My daughter is both very strong, yet fragile.  Her strength is her primary weakness, for her ability to be self-reliant, self sufficient, impedes her ability to accept help from others, to accept that she can't always do it herself.

My emotions are churning; I can't stand to see my children in pain, whether physical or emotional.  All I can do is help them keep moving forward, but my words of encouragement sound hollow, when she is repeatedly beaten down by her past. 

I love my Daughter with all my heart; my first child.  She will forever be "my little girl";  she is so like me in so many ways (which she doesn't like to hear).  I will stand by her, support her (without creating dependency), be strong for her despite the inner turmoil of emotions roiling inside of me, and hope that by remaining optimistic, confident, that she finds her way through her current disappointment to remaining confident in herself, and continues to pursue the path, no matter how rocky it now appears, towards her future.